Has anyone ever struggled in their marriage? Anyone wondered how in the heck you are supposed to live with this person who is so different from you in almost every way for the rest of eternity? How can we bridge this gap and how can we truly understand each other? Is it possible to really connect with him/her on a deeper level? If you have ever asked these questions or a thousand others like it, you're not alone. I have asked myself these same questions. After 17 years of marriage I am still wondering why we haven't got it all figured out. Why is marriage such hard work all the time?
John M. Gottman, Ph.D. has conducted over 40 years of research on married couples and the dynamics of marriage. In his book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work which I will be referencing in future posts, he shares that one of his central findings and at the heart of the Seven Principles is that happy marriages are based on deep friendship. By this, he means "mutual respect for each other and enjoyment of each other's company." (p.21) Gottman explains that as a marriage therapist he thought for many years that the answer to saving marriages was better communication and helping couples to learn to handle their conflicts better. Most marriage counseling focuses on these very things. While these are helpful tools to learn, he realized that the real answers to saving marriages was something different. He says, "I was not able to crack the code to saving marriages until I started to analyze what went right in happy marriages. After tracking the lives of happily married couples I now know that the key to reviving or divorce proofing a relationship is not simply how you handle your disagreements but how you engage with each other when you're not fighting." (p.51) The basis of his Seven Principles focuses on strengthening the friendship and trust that are at the heart of any marriage.
As I thought about Gottman's approach of focusing more on helping things go right in a marriage rather than focusing on how to handle the things that are wrong, it made me think about the other book that I am studying written by William Goddard entitled "Drawing Heaven into your Marriage." The main point that Goddard makes in his first two chapters is that the answers to all the questions above and the answer to solve any marital difficulties is the Atonement of Jesus Christ. This is the way we can help things go right in our relationships. "Because of His goodness, we are reconciled to God. When we are reconciled to God, we are reconciled to each other. His goodness makes us one." (Goddard loc 221) Goddard goes on to say that most marriage programs or therapies focus on developing a set of skills to help partners work out their differences and the assumption is that every marriage has problems and in order for the relationship to function well they have to be able to work out problems in non-destructive ways. However, Goddard says, "My assumption is very different. I believe that the key to a healthy relationship is being a healthy, saintly, God-seeking person - to be born again - to be a new creature in Christ." (loc 171). Pres. Packer confirmed this answer when he said "if you seek for a cure that ignores faith and religious doctrine, you look for a cure where it never will be found." Seeking to change our very nature and to be "born again" is the answer for those of us seeking to change our marriages. It really doesn't come as a surprise to me that Jesus Christ is the answer to all the questions we have about our marriage relationships. I always thought I had to get better at communicating, I had to learn how to speak his "love language" or I needed him to be the one to change, etc. but I was looking for answers in the wrong place. Now please understand, I am not suggesting that receiving help and guidance and new knowledge from good books and wise counselors is not helpful because if it is good and true information then it will always be beneficial. But we so often blame our spouse or ourselves for our lack of fulfillment in our marriage but the real answer isn't improving ourselves...at least not in the way we think we should. The answer is coming closer to Christ. The answer is in applying His atonement in such a way that it not only covers our weaknesses, our sins, our suffering but understanding that it fully covers the weaknesses, sins and suffering of our spouse as well.
Marriage is a unique opportunity for us to come to know Him in such a way that no other earthly experience can provide. Goddard said this, "did God design marriage as a refuge - a safe haven - from a troubled world? Or did He design marriage as a laboratory where each of us could conduct daily experiments in gospel living? Or did he design marriage as a spiritual challenge course to humble us, stretch us, and refine us? Yes to all of the above. For most people marriage is sometimes a refuge from the storm. At other times marriage is the storm where cold squalls and pitching decks test our balance and determination as we seek a promised land of marital harmony." (loc 197) The key to this statement from Goddard is that we have to seek to truly understand God's purpose for marriage because if we truly understand the purpose for each of us, then we are better able to see the blessings of marriage and less likely to focus on the disappointments and "persecutions."
No comments:
Post a Comment