Parenting

"Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God and be law abiding citizens wherever they live." (The Family Proclamation)

Parenting is perhaps the biggest challenge most of will face in this life.  However, it is necessary and it will bring the greatest rewards in our lives if we heed the counsel of the Lord and his prophets.  Pres. Brigham Young said this, "Parents should never drive their children, but lead them along, giving them knowledge as their minds are prepared to receive it.  Chastening may be necessary at times, but parents should govern their children by faith rather than by the rod, leading them kindly by good example into all truth and holiness."

The biggest challenge for me in parenting is leading instead of driving.  It requires much patience to "lead" my children rather than force or "drive" them.  In D&C 121:36-37 it teaches us that righteous parenting emphasizes charity, gentleness, kindness, long-suffering, persuasion, and appropriate discipline in a warm and nurturing relationship.  The following are crucial elements for each child:

- Love, warmth and support
- Clear and reasonable expectations for competent behavior
- Limits and boundaries with some room for negotiation and compromise
- Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments for breaching established limits
- Opportunities to perform competently and make choices
- Absence of coercive, hostile forms of discipline, such as harsh physical punishment, love withdrawal, shaming, and inflicting guilt.
- Models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control, positive values, and positive attitudes.

There are three main styles of parenting.  The first is Authoritative style...(not to be confused with authoritarian style which is the complete opposite) The above list are some of the characteristics of an authoritative style of parenting.  This style is the optimal style and fosters a positive  emotional connection with children, provides for regulation that places fair and consistent  limits on child behavior and allows for reasonable child autonomy in decision making.  The three main concepts in authoritative parenting are love, limits and lattitude.  (Hawkins p. 108)

The second style of parenting is permissive parenting.  "This is characterized by parents who overindulge children or neglect them by leaving them to their own devices.  This style includes a shirking of sacred parental responsibilities as parents fail to provide guidance and constraint when it is required for the child's good." (Hawkins p. 107)  Social science research suggests that children who are raised by permissive parents may have "greater difficulty respecting others, coping with frustration, delaying gratification for a greater goal, and following through with plans."  They tend to struggle in academics and are more defiant of authority, have a higher rate of adolescent sexual activity and drug and alcohol use. (Hawkins, p. 107)

The third style of parenting is the coercive style.  The coercive/hostile or "authoritarian" style of parenting is characterized by parents "who deride, demean or dimish children and teens by continually putting them in their place, putting them down, mocking them, or holding power over them via punitive or psychologically controlling means." (Hawkins, p.105)  This style of parenting has been linked to many forms of antisocial, withdrawn, and delinquent behaviors in children and teens.  It is also associated with high levels of anxiety and depression.  Pres. Brigham Young said "I will here say to parents, that kind words and loving actions toward children will subdue their uneducated nature a great deal better than the rod, or in other words, than physical punishment."  Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley echoed Pres. Young's words when he said, "I have never accepted the principle of 'spare the rod and spoil the child'... Children don't need beating.  They need love and encouragement."
There is much we can learn about good parenting.  Each child is unique and special and certainly there is no exact process or style that works best for each child.  Something that I am striving to learn is to follow the guidance of the spirit when i am interacting with my daughters in any setting.  This is not easy to do and it will be a long time before I master this concept... maybe in the next life but I know this is the only way to help them become who they truly are and who their Father in Heaven wants and needs them to be.  He knows them best and only He knows how to help them.

FHE Ideas:
Song:  Lead, Kindly Light (Hymn #97)

Discuss the different types of parenting styles and ask children to explain which style they think is closest to Heavenly Father's style of parenting.  Play a game and ask the children to be the parents for a time.  Discuss when its over what challenges they had when acting like the parents and what could they do better or different to help others be happy.
For Older Children:
Read or watch one of these conference talks and discuss the principles they teach.
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1990/10/the-greatest-challenge-in-the-world-good-parenting?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/courageous-parenting?lang=eng