FAMILY STRESS AND COPING

We know in today's world families face all kinds of stress and even crises.  Sometimes we feel that what we face as a family is crushing and overwhelming.  I would like to discuss some positive ways families can cope with stress and difficulties and also take a look at the negative ways we sometimes cope that we may be better able to avoid these coping methods.
First, I found it very interesting that when you take a look at the Chinese word for "crisis" it consists of two characters that represent the words "danger" and "opportunity".  I think this explains very well what crisis can be in our lives.  Usually it does present danger in some form whether this is physical danger, emotional danger or spiritual danger.  However, the most important thing to remember and to focus on is that crisis in our lives also presents an opportunity for us to learn, grow and change.  If we keep this perspective then the stress and problems we encounter in our lives will not be crushing to us.
Some negative forms of coping with stress and crises:
Denial - this is a defense mechanism in which people will not believe what they observe.  This is the most common
Avoidance - Sometimes people acknowledge that a problem exists but they avoid confronting and dealing with it.
Scapegoat - this occurs when someone admits a problem but feel that they have to find someone or something to blame.  They select a family scapegoat to bear the brunt of the responsibility for the problem.
These negative coping methods are ineffective.  However, "ineffective" does not mean that a coping pattern does not work for an individual or family.  Rather, it means that it is not a pattern that typically will yield long-term, constructive outcomes (Lauer, p.301).

Some positive tools for coping:

Mindfulness - this is awareness and paying attention on purpose in the moment to things as they really are.
Take responsibility - effective coping begins when you take responsibility for yourself and for your family by honestly facing the problem.
Learn the art of reframing - Reframing, or redefining the meaning of something is a way of changing your perspective on a situation.  This is where the "opportunity" is in every problem and crisis.
Find and use available resources - as members of the church we have been given an endless amount of positive and helpful resources.  It is up to us to take advantage of these!
Forgiveness/Repentance - These are topics that I could dedicate an entire blog post to but let me just hit on some important points regarding these two principles.  First, "Elder Dallin H. Oaks identified the instruction to repent as the gospel's 'most frequent message' and defined repentance as transformation.  'The gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to change... Repenting means giving up all of our practices - personal, family, ethnic, and national - that are contrary to the commandments of God.  The purpose of the gospel is to transform common creatures into celestial citizens, and that requires change.'
Christ taught "And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.  But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses. (Mark 11:25-26)
Elder Richard G. Scott recommended forgiveness - although it is "most difficult" -- as "the sure path to peace and healing."  Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley emphasized that forgiveness "may be the greatest virtue on earth, and certainly the most needed." (Hawkins, p. 203).  It is also interesting to note that research has found that "individuals and families who are able to forgive important transgressions are likely to have better emotional and physical health and positive emotions imporve health in a variety of ways.  Numerous studies have demonstrated a relationship between forgiveness and well-being" (Hawkins, p.203).  "By contrast, not forgiving can lead to harm.  'Unforgiveness' is considered a stress reaction in response to a perceived threat and the emotions associated with unforgiveness, such as resentment, hostility, blame and fear, have been linked to health risks" ( Hawkins, p 203).
The Council Method:  Again this method should have an entire post dedicated to it but I will touch on it briefly here.  Elder Ballard has carefully taught this method to us over and over again.  It is an inspired method to be used in families as well as in Church leadership and I believe there is no better way for a family to resolve issues, concerns, problems and face the most difficult question and crises then through this method.  This is a way for our families to come together and for everyone to be heard and valued and then to gain inspiration concerning the Lord's will for each family and for each problem or question they may have.  The basic steps are as follows:  Hold the meeting in a sacred place and specific time.  Come prepared with a specific agenda before hand.  Begin each meeting by expressing love and appreciation for each member of the family. Pray together that you may come to a consensus regarding the Lord's will.  Each person shares his thoughts and feelings and then a consensus is reached.  End with a prayer of gratitude and then enjoy a treat together.  Elder Ballard wrote a book entitled "Counseling with our Councils: Learning to Minister Together" which I highly recommend. Here are some links to listen to Elder Ballard explain this method in greater detail.
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1993/10/strength-in-counsel?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1994/04/counseling-with-our-councils?lang=eng&query=ballard+counseling

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtwpPT1QQQE&feature=feedwll&list=WL

FHE Ideas:
Watch one or more of the above videos and discuss Elder Ballard's Council Method and practice the principles he sets forth.  Maybe try holding a family council about an important topic, problem or issue your family is facing right now.
Discuss principles of forgiveness and repentance using scripture references and/or conference talks.

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